What do you do? That answer was always simple, and I guess it still should be but it doesn’t roll off the tongue anymore. The confidence and pride is gone when I respond. I was given my dream opportunity and I’m flailing.
A taste of independent development even without financial success still feels a bit like success. The problem is I didn’t earn it. And this is what has been nagging at me for almost 2 years. I was given the opportunity based on a job relocation for my wife.
I digress… So much of a working age person’s identity is wrapped up in a career. I achieved a level of success coming up through the ranks as a programmer, developer, team lead, etc…and that was my identity. I built stuff and loved doing it.
Yes I’ve successfully shipped an iOS app with a full fledged web back-end which takes a full-time amount of work to improve and run. But, lets be real - Jottpad makes enough money to pay server costs and barely that most months. For me to tell people I’m an independent software developer only because I’m lucky enough to have a spouse kicking ass feels wrong to me.
What to do? Getting a “real job” feels like giving up on the opportunity of a lifetime. To keep banging my head against the wall pushing Jottpad forward is a bit like the definition of insanity.[1]
Obviously something needs to change, I need a way to measure progress that doesn’t end with me feeling selfish by sticking to this failing dream.
I don’t have some big epiphany to sort this all out. I’ve never failed at anything I’ve committed to but at some point pragmatism wins…
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“Doing something over and over expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein ↩